Great News!!

I'm sitting here, it 846 am on May 20.  I have gotten some wonderful news last night. Kelly, my pregnancy counselor from Bethany sent me an email.  She was asking me if I wanted to speak for a panel group in Crown Point, about my experiences about being a birth mom.  Of course I said yes!  I think this was God's plan on bringing that sweet Angel Abigail into this world for me to speak to others about adoption, being a birth mom, and telling my story.  I am so excited to share my story, but I am not going to sugar coat it, I am going to tell them my dark days, my depression, and my sadness that I still have even though it been a year.  I am still down, I still doubt my self but it is not as bad as after Abigail was born.  My mom pointed this out to me, that I get really down and its get bad when its been a long time seeing Abigail.  I think that is true.  I am so glad that I get to see Abigail this weekend.  I am ready!!! lol.  I still can't believe it has been a year .  Right now, I was on bed rest trying to keep my sugar and blood pressure in check. I was doing word searches to ease my nerves.  I knew it was coming, reality was hitting.  But you know what, it was the hardest four days in my life, but I survived. I am so thankful I had such a good support family, God, my parents, Nana and Papa Bob, Tabby,  Josh, Douglas and Kelley, Aunts, Uncles, My kitties, Nurses and Dr. Wiesse.  Thank you Lord, for bringing in this sweet angel Abigail into all of our life's!!!

Abigai's almost 1!!

I haven't written in awhile, it has been a crazy few months!! Between school and work there wasn't a lot of time to do anything.  Our sweet little angel is going to be one in two weeks, where has the time go by.  I can't believe it has been a year.  This time last year, actually today I was taken off of work and put on bed rest.  That precclampsia was kicking my butt bad, but I did not want to realize it I wanted to work till the end but it got to bad, and I realized, I had to take it easy, I didn't want to hurt that sweet Abigail that was floating in my belly, lol.  It has been a rough few weeks, it was birth mom's and mothers day and just reliving what was going on last year at this time.  It was a great birth mom/mothers day weekend.  It was hard but with the support of  my parents,God, Nana, Douglas, Kelley, and friends, you guys helped me through this.  In twelve days,  We get to go to Abigail's first birthday party,  we are all so very excited. I can't wait, it's been since December since we have seen her in person.  She is so beautiful and very long.  Before when I was still going through the planning process of Abigail's adoption, I didn't think I was going to make it through. But I have learned a lot through this process.  I have became a strong woman, making new friends, going through things and succeeding through them, and have new members of our family, Douglas and Kelley.  They are the best!! They have made it so good for me and my family.  On Facebook and chats, through pictures and videos we don't miss a bit, and inviting us to her dedication and her first birthday.  I am so glad God lead me to them through the family picking.  They are truly angels and thank God everyday for them.

Love you guys!!

It's been awhile.....

Hi everyone!! I hope everyone is doing well and  safe.  Sorry it has been awhile.  Between work and school, its been pretty busy.  Its been a rough week. The holidays are coming and its hitting me.  I'm trying to think positive but it is hard. I'm trying hard, but it is hard.  Miss Abigail is almost six months old, I can't believe it!!  She is eating rice cereal and sitting by herself.  She is such a happy baby!!  I still doubt myself but I made the best choice for her.  She is well taken care of her and loved by so many people.  Even though its been six months, its still hard.

November is Adoption Month and there has been many posts and videos posted by Bethany.  They posted a video on face book last week about a birth mom and her son.  It will make you tear up, but it is so wonderful .The last sentence they say is this is a new definition of family.  It is on my face book please check it out.

God,Mom, Dad,Nana,Papa Bob,Tabby,Josh,Aunt Margie,Kelly,Douglas,Kelley,Debbie, and everyone who has helped me through this time.  I don't know know what I would have done without you!!


God Bless!!
Jess

A Wonderful Week

This week has been pretty good.  School started, got lots of pictures of Abigail, and my aunt and uncle came into town.  This week was Abigail's adoption finalization in Indianapolis.  They sent pictures, They are such a happy family!  Kelley and Douglas have been so wonderful with updates, pictures and videos.  It has been so wonderful, and I am so grateful for them in my life.  I got to see Kelly from Bethany today.  It is so wonderful seeing her, it helps me get through this process.  I am excited, on December 19th, I am able to attend a support group meeting in Indianapolis.  Miss Abigail is getting so big, she has even attended swimming classes.  Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to make some one's life with this Angel.  I thank you everyday for her.  She is almost three months old, where has the time gone?  God Bless you all.

Love you all,
Jessica

Very Special People In My Life

Hi everyone!  I hope everyone is doing well.  Today I need to express my thanks to some very important people in  my life that has helped me through these eleven months.

First, would be God.  If I didn't believe, I would not be able to handle and get through this.  I admit before I was pregnant, and for half of my pregnancy, I didn't pray and I was straying away.  But then it hit me, I need him.  And from that day, I started to pray and talk to him about the hard decision I had to make.  After giving birth, was the most I have ever needed him.  It was so hard and I was so upset, but he still was with me and led me the way.  I have been going to church on Thursdays, and been reading the bible, and making Abigail her God "journal".  It is made up of my favorite bible verses, quotes and poems, that when she gets older, will help her get through the days.  I have also wrote little notes and such to her pertaining to the verses or just something that came into my head.  Praise the Lord!!

Next, would be my mom.  I was so scared to tell her about being pregnant, I thought she would shun me.  She was shocked, but after words she was there no matter what.  It has been such a wonderful months, spending lots of time with her, talking about pregnancy things, going to doctor appointments, Lamaze, and even was in the operating room with me while having Abigail.  I am so glad that she was there for me.  Now she is probably getting sick of me, Lol!  After getting out of the hospital, I have called her multiple times a day, crying, paranoid, and just needing to talk.

Next, would be my dad.  I know it has been very hard for him, since telling him I was pregnant.  He doesn't show it.  He has helped me through this, in the dad way.  It has been so nice.  He loves that little "Gracie".

Next, would be Auntie Tabby.  She was the first one to find out I was pregnant at 4 o'clock in the morning.  She rushed over to the house.  She was the "dad" for a few months, going to doctor appointments, and witnessing Abigail Grace on the ultrasound for the first time.  She is my best friend, I am so glad I have her.  She was staying at my house, taking care of the cats, while I was in the hospital.  After I got out of the hospital, I was very down, I feel bad for not talking to her alot, I didn't  talk to a lot of people, I slept and cried.  But she understands and I love her for that! Love ya Sis!

Next, would be Nana and Papa Bob.  Nana wrote me a letter and included some pages from the our daily bread devotional, after they found out I was pregnant.  They have been there for me no matter what.  After getting out of the hospital, I go to there house on Thursday to visit, play sequence, and go to church.

Next, would be Kelly from Bethany.  She has been an angel through this whole process.  She has helped me in so many ways.  Her caring, loving,guiding,  and faithful ways have helped me so much.  I am so glad that I have her in my life. She is part of the family, sorta of like a second mom.  She is going to be in my life for the rest of it.

And lastly, would be Abigail's new mom and dad.  Ever since I picked them out from the other profiles, I knew they were the one. They are so caring and wonderful,  I feel so comfortable with them.  They are like family to me and my family.  They have done above and beyond of what they have to do, and I love that!!  They are such good parents to Abigail, I am relieved.  I am so glad God chose for me them for Abigail..  I am so excited about building our relationship with them.

I hope everyone has a great week!  God bless

Jessica

My Birthday

Hi everyone! I know it's been a few days, I just have not been up to it.  It's been up and down, I haven't even worked on my journal for Abigail either.

Today is my birthday, It has been a wonderful day, but I am still sad.  I wish Abigail was here, but I know deep in my heart, she is in the best place for her.  I met up with Kelly from Bethany today.  It was so good to see her.  She told me some opportunities to help other birth mothers.  I am planning on going to the next support meeting in Indianapolis.  I am looking forward to November, there is a panel meeting that adoptive parents have to go to.  Birth parents talk about their experiences through the process of adoption.  I get to see Kelley in two weeks, can't wait to see her!

Abigail is six weeks old today, I can't believe it!  Today, there was a few people I talked to about Abigail.  I showed pictures and told them my story.  It was hard, but  I love talking about Abigail.

I am so blessed Church landed on my birthday, because it was so calming.  I always put in a prayer request for Abigail, and her parents.  Praying for their health, wellness, and family.   I know I made the best decision, but my heart is making it hard, which is normal.


This year has gave me a reality check.  I have matured and am working on getting my life in check.  I have many goals now and are working on them.  I can't wait in the future to be able to tell Abigail that she has a brother or sister.  Church, family and friends, and Abigail  have been helping tremendously, showing me that life is worth it!

I am excited, tomorrow I get to order pictures from the photographer that took pictures of Abigail.  They turned out so beautiful. I am so proud of her, She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!! Praise the Lord!!

I did find out today that her birth father didn't turn in a paper I asked him to.  He promised, I should of known.  I am just upset for Abigail, It's her loss, not mine.  She needs to know about her father to.  It's important.  But God is in control, he will lead the way.

I would like to finish this off with two of my favorite verses, I hope I don't offend anyone:
   "He who believes in me... out of his heart  will flow rivers of living water."  -John 7:38

  "May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope."  --Romans 15:13

God Bless,
Jessica

My beginings

Hi everyone!  I have decided to start to write about my journey of being a birth mom.  It all started when I found out I was pregnant in October of 2012.  I was really scared and didn't know what to do.  I told my then boyfriend about it, and he was not happy at all.  He wanted me to get an abortion, which is a big no-no! He didn't want to pay child support and wasn't ready to raise another child.  So I was thinking and contemplating on what to do.  Should I keep it or give it up for adoption?  I weighed my opinions, If I keep it who will take care of it when I'm at work? Is my apartment big enough?  What about a car?  At first, my boyfriend and I were going to move in together, He had a house and was big enough to raise a child in, but there was some things he had to fix first.  He started to fix it right when I was going to move in, his ploy not to have to raise the child.  I didn't want to be on welfare or get help, and I didn't want the baby to suffer for my selfishness, so I chose adoption.  Mentally I am not ready for  a child, even though I am 31 years old, I wasn't ready, so I made the best decision.  I didn't tell my parents till Christmas, because I was scared of what they would say.  They were totally supportive of my decision and was there for me through the whole process.  I contacted Bethany Christian Services in January for information on adoption.  There were many people who asked me,"Why are you going to give up your child for adoption?"  "Your not going to be able to do it?"  But deep in my heart and God led me to the best decision, adoption.  My counselor, Kelly, who is an Angel, helped me through the process, and I found the best choice in families for my sweet Abigail.  They are what I wanted in raising my child.Thankfully my then boyfriend signed his rights off so we could proceed through the adoption, unfortunate, he stopped contacting me or asking about the baby, so I know his true feelings.  Closer and closer, it was getting almost time to deliver.  I took Lamaze class with my mom.  I am so glad I got to experience this.  This whole thing me and my mom have gotten closer and bonded more, going to Nsts and she was even in the operating room when I had my c-section.  It was hitting me more in May, because I knew it was close, before than I could just not think about it and concertate on something else.  On Memorial Day 2013, I went to have a weekly Non Stress Test and because of my pregnancy induced hypertension, I had a c-section that day.  It was totally unexpected. Then reality hit, and I was feeling it.  I didn't get to see Abigail till the next day, she was in the NICU.  I loved holding her, and talking to her.  I got to feed her, and even learned how to change her diaper.  It was something  I never had experienced.  Her new mom and dad came the next day, and that really was reality.  I went down there as much as I could, treasuring every precious moment. Then, the day I had to sign papers.  That was the worst day in my life, it was so hard.  Even  though it was the best thing to do, It was still really hard. I kept doubting and toying at the idea.  Blaming my self, "If i was more mentally stable", "If  I had a car".  I still do to this day, but it is getting better.  Doubting my self is the worst, I sure wish I could stop it.  Abigail Grace had to stay in the hospital for 8 days, because of being born early, and balancing her blood sugar.  It been five weeks and a day since I have seen her, but her new mom and day are the best. They have sent many pictures, updates, and videos.  I am so glad I chose them they are going to be awesome parents.  There is more to come...

God Bless,                                                      

Jessica Landrum

Abigail Grace Born on May 27,2013 at 1:17 p.m. 10lbs 12oz  22 inches long