My beginings

Hi everyone!  I have decided to start to write about my journey of being a birth mom.  It all started when I found out I was pregnant in October of 2012.  I was really scared and didn't know what to do.  I told my then boyfriend about it, and he was not happy at all.  He wanted me to get an abortion, which is a big no-no! He didn't want to pay child support and wasn't ready to raise another child.  So I was thinking and contemplating on what to do.  Should I keep it or give it up for adoption?  I weighed my opinions, If I keep it who will take care of it when I'm at work? Is my apartment big enough?  What about a car?  At first, my boyfriend and I were going to move in together, He had a house and was big enough to raise a child in, but there was some things he had to fix first.  He started to fix it right when I was going to move in, his ploy not to have to raise the child.  I didn't want to be on welfare or get help, and I didn't want the baby to suffer for my selfishness, so I chose adoption.  Mentally I am not ready for  a child, even though I am 31 years old, I wasn't ready, so I made the best decision.  I didn't tell my parents till Christmas, because I was scared of what they would say.  They were totally supportive of my decision and was there for me through the whole process.  I contacted Bethany Christian Services in January for information on adoption.  There were many people who asked me,"Why are you going to give up your child for adoption?"  "Your not going to be able to do it?"  But deep in my heart and God led me to the best decision, adoption.  My counselor, Kelly, who is an Angel, helped me through the process, and I found the best choice in families for my sweet Abigail.  They are what I wanted in raising my child.Thankfully my then boyfriend signed his rights off so we could proceed through the adoption, unfortunate, he stopped contacting me or asking about the baby, so I know his true feelings.  Closer and closer, it was getting almost time to deliver.  I took Lamaze class with my mom.  I am so glad I got to experience this.  This whole thing me and my mom have gotten closer and bonded more, going to Nsts and she was even in the operating room when I had my c-section.  It was hitting me more in May, because I knew it was close, before than I could just not think about it and concertate on something else.  On Memorial Day 2013, I went to have a weekly Non Stress Test and because of my pregnancy induced hypertension, I had a c-section that day.  It was totally unexpected. Then reality hit, and I was feeling it.  I didn't get to see Abigail till the next day, she was in the NICU.  I loved holding her, and talking to her.  I got to feed her, and even learned how to change her diaper.  It was something  I never had experienced.  Her new mom and dad came the next day, and that really was reality.  I went down there as much as I could, treasuring every precious moment. Then, the day I had to sign papers.  That was the worst day in my life, it was so hard.  Even  though it was the best thing to do, It was still really hard. I kept doubting and toying at the idea.  Blaming my self, "If i was more mentally stable", "If  I had a car".  I still do to this day, but it is getting better.  Doubting my self is the worst, I sure wish I could stop it.  Abigail Grace had to stay in the hospital for 8 days, because of being born early, and balancing her blood sugar.  It been five weeks and a day since I have seen her, but her new mom and day are the best. They have sent many pictures, updates, and videos.  I am so glad I chose them they are going to be awesome parents.  There is more to come...

God Bless,                                                      

Jessica Landrum

Abigail Grace Born on May 27,2013 at 1:17 p.m. 10lbs 12oz  22 inches long